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The Schan-Far Side: In search of illegitimate apocalypses

By Sam Schanfarber

I was decently surprised earlier this month when upon returning from my free period with a friend, everyone was lying in the hallway, some wearing frightened expressions. As much as I’d like to say that I was scared of the tornado, I was honestly just surprised that my friend and I weren’t going to be late to sixth period.

But in all honesty, this did shake up my world a little bit. I mean really, what are the odds of this many natural disasters occurring in one year? If I ever actually focused in any form of a history class, I’d probably know that the odds are pretty high. However, for my own purposes, I firmly believe that these freak occurrences of nature give me all the reason I need to not only firmly believe in the apocalypse, but also start preparing for everything I’ll do once I’m the sole survivor. Don’t fear it, though—I’m here to show you how to make the most out of the end of the modern world.

Before I begin revealing my plans for making the entire world my playground after everything is leveled by nature’s full-fighting force, I’d like to explain how I plan to ride this one out. Essentially, my plan for surviving the actual apocalypse involves only three major components—multiple boxes of Poptarts, a handful of bottled waters, and my basement closet. I’ve already made a small bedding area, and I figure with these humble supplies, I’ll be able to last a solid 2-3 years in my shelter before emerging as king of the planet.

I’ve already begun to plan every day of the first week as ruler. I’ll emerge bearing a bouquet of flowers, which I plan to throw at whatever wildlife I see first to show animals that humans are no longer a threat, as I am a friend of nature. As I walk away from the ruins of my father’s home and toward Starbucks to grab a beverage (corporate never dies), I plan to stop at the foundations of all of my former friend’s homes, where I’ll plant a small marijuana plant out of respect. And once I’ve finally arrived at my destination, I’ll get an iced Chai tea.

That’s just day one.

You see, human beings were never meant to fear silly things like weather. A hurricane could never actually harm anyone—unless you live on the coast, in which case, goodbye. It’s not like earthquakes are all that bad, either, as long as you’re not anywhere near fault lines (like, 300+ miles away at minimum). And this whole global warming stint was made up by the environmental science teachers anyways. I see this entire apocalypse thing as a chance to cleanse our earth, leaving only the most intelligent, beautiful, strong humans left to repopulate (once we kiss the entire western coast bon voyage from the continental United States, anything is possible).

For these reasons alone, I think it’s important that we, as a society, begin to prepare for this together. By we, I mean the handful of people that I like, but either way—the apocalypse shouldn’t be feared. After all, if man weren’t meant to be the dominant species of this planet, the Cold War definitely would’ve had a different ending.

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