Satire

East mini golf exists, I guess?

“I am, in a word, completely and utterly affronted.” East Chapel Hill men’s mini golf team captain, Rickey Grant, huffs and crosses his arms. “I take this not only as a step back for the team, but as an insult to me, personally.”

Grant is speaking of the conflict that his team is having with school administration after, according to him, the school refused to acknowledge the victory of the team in the statewide boys’ high school mini golf championships.

“We have a mini golf team?” commented athletic director Randy Trumbower on the subject. “I did not sign off on that.”

Grant calls this fact “irrelevant.”

“The haters will tell you that we only won by default,” he said. “That we only won because we’re the only mini golf team in the state. That we’re only doing this because college apps are due in 13 days and we have nothing else going for us and we’re panicking about our futures. But it’s all utter nonsense.”

Among those “haters”– those who are in contention with the mini golf team– are East’s traditional golf players. They say that Grant and his teammates’ incessant “rabble-rousing” is getting to be too much.

“They’re always getting on us about something new,” said East women’s golf player Jenna Doyle. “Just this Tuesday they went around with a petition trying to get the course at the Country Club converted into a putt-putt range. Funny enough, I was actually in support of their cause until I saw how many windmills there were on that blueprint.”

The mini golf team remains steadfast in their insistence that they are fighting not only for themselves, but for the future of the sport itself, and the honor that any winner should deserve.

“The point here is that we’re the best boys’ mini golf team in the state,” said team member Drew Jerret. “I don’t see any problem with us acknowledging that. I’m a state champion, and I’m putting that on my college applications and my resume. If anyone has a problem with that, they can catch me by the blue dinosaur statue at the Putt-Putt Fun Center.”

By Eva Buckner, Copy Editor.

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