2018-2019,  Satire

Old people ruin the economy

Diamonds, movie theaters, homeownership…all of these industries are being killed by the habits of one generation. The generation hated by all, who have resorted to simply mocking themselves to avoid the wrath of others; baby boomers.

One 72 year old was so keen to avoid confronting his lack of contribution to the diamond industry that when asked about it, he quickly mocked himself as a defense mechanism, blurting out “Ha, I’m so old my last name should be Velociraptor, not Villanueva!”  Having been married to his wife for almost 40 years, his addition to the success of diamonds in America has been shockingly low. (Instead of buying his mistresses diamonds, he resorted to jade earrings). While his contribution to the jade industry is admirable, there;s no dismissing the fact that the diamond trade is suffering and it’s all the fault of him and his generational counterparts.

The homeowner industry is also taking a hit as baby boomers grow older. Instead of kicking their underpaid children to the street after they graduate from college, baby boomers selfishly allow them to move back in, decreasing the customer base for home owning.

Contrary to popular belief, many older people have also begun retiring their golf clubs, effectively killing that industry as well, because no self-respecting American born after 1970 plays golf anyway. Reportedly, they now prefer to stay at home and yell at the TV remote while trying to watch 20 year old golf tapes in ancient VCR’s (“How are you supposed to do anything when all of these buttons are so darn small?”).

Watching movies at the theater, a more common habit of newer generations, is also facing adversity because of baby boomers. In a mass protest of the vulgarity and liberalism of many modern movies (such as “Nazis are Bad” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks Part IV: the Squeakquel”), baby boomers have opted to stay at home, rather than be robbed blind and pay $15 for service it can’t cost the movie theater more than $0.15 to produce.

Regardless, the general lack of economic participation is inexcusable (this statement is directed at those who claim they’re “bedridden,” while everyone who’s ever had a gym teacher knows the cure to any ailment is to walk it off). To aid this heinous lack of action, millennials are considering having Instagram influencers create a new industry (since they’re good at making something out of nothing) called the “participation industry”. Their goal is to hit the nail on the head and have solid evidence of the harm baby boomers are causing. While millennials seem to have pretty solid confidence in their plan, some are saying it won’t work, but even more realize it doesn’t matter if it works. When their made up institution doesn’t take off, millennials can always blame their failure on baby boomers for not participating.

By Madeline Brooks, Satire Editor

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