Satire

Ancestry.com consumes life

Ancestry.com is the great equalizer, many say a great successor to formal education.

People are thanking their distant ancestors for their help, even if it is from beyond the grave. Ancestry.com changes lives, ruins families, runs the world.

It is time to embrace your obscure heritage as a Norwegian-French Pacific Islander and live through that identity only.

In the words of Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren – “I am very proud of my heritage. These are family stories.”

Formally recognized as a minority professor at Harvard Law, Warren is the perfect example of a Native American breaking through adversity and achieving enormous success.

In addition to 1/65th Cherokee professors, Ancestry.com will happily consume your mother’s life as she spends hours scouring her family tree, over and over and over and over again.

The new discovery of her marginal Norwegian heritage will cause her to assume and embrace a new identity.

Soon, a bear head is mounted on the wall, the rugs are made of elk hide, and your precious mother is speaking broken Norwegian she learned from YouTube tutorials.

Upon reading the Kite Runner in your spare time, you decide to hop on Ancestry as well. But the results aren’t satisfactory, because according to Ancestry.com, nobody from your family has Afghan heritage.

Naturally, the next step is 23 & Me. You send in your DNA, and the results come back.

Going back 60,000 years, your true ancestors originated from the Middle East – which is close enough to Afghanistan, you guess. Mission success.

After completing your mission, you realize you have not seen your father in three days. You look everywhere in the house, leaving the basement for last, because it’s musty.

Upon entering the basement, you see a cork board – covered with photos of relatives, strings attaching them together. This is a real family tree.

Your father is hunkered in the corner, playing solitaire.

You can hear your mother upstairs desperately trying to speak in Norwegian.

The sound of Elizabeth Warren’s voice is audible on the TV upstairs as she lauds her own Cherokee heritage loud and clear.

Your father lets out a faint croak as he loses his game of solitaire. Your family is in shambles, and it’s all Ancestry.com’s fault.

By Colin Bethea, Social Media Editor

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