• 2018-2019,  Satire

    Ancestry.com consumes life

    Ancestry.com is the great equalizer, many say a great successor to formal education. People are thanking their distant ancestors for their help, even if it is from beyond the grave. Ancestry.com changes lives, ruins families, runs the world. It is time to embrace your obscure heritage as a Norwegian-French Pacific Islander and live through that identity only. In the words of Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren – “I am very proud of my heritage. These are family stories.” Formally recognized as a minority professor at Harvard Law, Warren is the perfect example of a Native American breaking through adversity and achieving enormous success. In addition to 1/65th Cherokee professors, Ancestry.com will happily…

  • 2018-2019,  Satire

    Old people ruin the economy

    Diamonds, movie theaters, homeownership…all of these industries are being killed by the habits of one generation. The generation hated by all, who have resorted to simply mocking themselves to avoid the wrath of others; baby boomers. One 72 year old was so keen to avoid confronting his lack of contribution to the diamond industry that when asked about it, he quickly mocked himself as a defense mechanism, blurting out “Ha, I’m so old my last name should be Velociraptor, not Villanueva!”  Having been married to his wife for almost 40 years, his addition to the success of diamonds in America has been shockingly low. (Instead of buying his mistresses diamonds,…

  • 2018-2019,  Satire

    East mini golf exists, I guess?

    “I am, in a word, completely and utterly affronted.” East Chapel Hill men’s mini golf team captain, Rickey Grant, huffs and crosses his arms. “I take this not only as a step back for the team, but as an insult to me, personally.” Grant is speaking of the conflict that his team is having with school administration after, according to him, the school refused to acknowledge the victory of the team in the statewide boys’ high school mini golf championships. “We have a mini golf team?” commented athletic director Randy Trumbower on the subject. “I did not sign off on that.” Grant calls this fact “irrelevant.” “The haters will tell…