• Satire

    Old people ruin the economy

    Diamonds, movie theaters, homeownership…all of these industries are being killed by the habits of one generation. The generation hated by all, who have resorted to simply mocking themselves to avoid the wrath of others; baby boomers. One 72 year old was so keen to avoid confronting his lack of contribution to the diamond industry that when asked about it, he quickly mocked himself as a defense mechanism, blurting out “Ha, I’m so old my last name should be Velociraptor, not Villanueva!”  Having been married to his wife for almost 40 years, his addition to the success of diamonds in America has been shockingly low. (Instead of buying his mistresses diamonds,…

  • Satire

    East mini golf exists, I guess?

    “I am, in a word, completely and utterly affronted.” East Chapel Hill men’s mini golf team captain, Rickey Grant, huffs and crosses his arms. “I take this not only as a step back for the team, but as an insult to me, personally.” Grant is speaking of the conflict that his team is having with school administration after, according to him, the school refused to acknowledge the victory of the team in the statewide boys’ high school mini golf championships. “We have a mini golf team?” commented athletic director Randy Trumbower on the subject. “I did not sign off on that.” Grant calls this fact “irrelevant.” “The haters will tell…